


Damn Regret

by BeNotAfeard



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 11:59:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1346674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeNotAfeard/pseuds/BeNotAfeard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Loras?” Renly sounded so surprised that Loras had actually picked up, that if this were any other situation Loras would have smiled. The sound of Renly’s voice, however, was bringing memories rushing back, and a tight, coiled feeling spread through his chest.</p><p>“What do you want?” Loras tried to keep his voice as flat and blank as he could, but he couldn't stop his hand from shaking against his ear. God, this hurt more than he was expecting it to. Definitely a bad idea to answer – now he remembered why he’d been studiously ignoring his phone for the past two weeks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Damn Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! So, this is my first venture into the ASOAIF fandom, and my first time writing in a good couple of years. Hope you enjoy, feedback and criticism is welcome and appreciated. 
> 
> See end of the work for warnings.

The phone was ringing again.

Loras stared at it silently from his vantage point on the sofa. He couldn’t see the caller ID from where he was sitting, but he knew who it would be. It had been two weeks, but he was still getting multiple calls a day. He supposed he’d have to do this at some point.

Heaving a sigh, Loras muted the TV – he hadn’t really been watching it anyway – and reached for the phone. He answered on the sixth ring.

“Loras?” Renly sounded so surprised that Loras had actually picked up, that if this were any other situation Loras would have smiled. The sound of Renly’s voice, however, was bringing memories rushing back, and a tight, coiled feeling spread through his chest.

“What do you want?” Loras tried to keep his voice as flat and blank as he could, but he couldn’t stop his hand from shaking against his ear. God, this hurt more than he was expecting it to. Definitely a bad idea to answer – now he remembered why he’d been studiously ignoring his phone for the past two weeks.

“I – Loras, I wasn’t expecting you to answer – I –”

“So, despite the fact that you’ve been calling me repeatedly, you don’t actually have anything to say?” Loras knew he was being condescending, but he was allowed to be, given the circumstances. “You planned that well.”

“No, _no_ , I do, don’t hang up!” There was definite panic in Renly’s voice, and Loras was pleased to note that it wasn’t affecting him one bit. Well, almost. “I really need to talk to you-”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” Loras interrupted. “I have nothing to say.”

“Well, I do!” Renly insisted, “Please Loras, please let me explain-”

“I don’t want to hear your explanation,” Loras said tightly. Anger was coiling in the pit of his stomach, spreading throughout his body and masking his hurt with rage. “I want you to stop calling me.”

There was a moment of silence on the end of the line before Renly spoke again, his voice quieter and more broken than it had been before. “Loras,” he said, and damn it, Renly didn’t have the right to sound like that, as if he was the one who’d been hurt, as if it was Loras who’d fucked up. “Please, I’m so –”

“ _Don’t_.” Loras was surprised at the sound of his own voice, vehement and raw. “Don’t you dare apologise to me. I don’t want your apologies, I want you to leave me alone.”

Renly started to say something else, probably some variation of ‘Loras’ or ‘please,’ but Loras had already hung up, dropping his phone onto the sofa and staring blankly at the wall opposite him. Now he could no longer hear Renly, the anger had left him, leaving only the now familiar feeling of numbness.

It was a long time before he moved again.

*

Loras could remember everything clearly. It had been Robert’s birthday, and Loras had _told_ Renly not to go, but of course, Robert could click his fingers and Renly would come running, as always. Renly had tried to convince Loras to accompany him – “it’s only an evening at the pub, we don’t even have to stay late!” – but he’d flat out refused. Robert didn’t like Loras, disapproving of Renly’s sexuality entirely, and Loras wasn’t going to subject himself to an evening of taunts by a man who really wasn’t a good brother to Renly, hell, really wasn’t a good person in general.

They’d argued. Renly said that Loras should support him, that Robert was his brother and it was his decision to go. Loras had reminded him that Jaime wasn’t going, because Cersei had it out for Brienne and Jaime didn’t want to subject her to that. He’d asked him how it felt that a Lannister was apparently a better boyfriend than he was, and Renly hadn’t liked that, of course. In the end, Renly had stormed out of Loras’ apartment, leaving him feeling distinctly alone, and wishing he was able to make a point without losing his temper.

It was hours later that Loras decided that he was being silly, that Robert was all the family Renly had left since his fallout with Stannis, and that without Jaime there he’d be subjected to an evening of Robert and his drunken friends (and even worse, Cersei), without anyone there to support him. Hindsight’s a bitch, and now Loras really wished he’d just stayed home, but he’d gotten changed, and made his way to the bar where he’d assumed he’d be rescuing Renly from an evening of misery.

The whole party seemed outrageously drunk, as expected. Robert was so far gone that he didn’t even notice Loras approaching the booths that they’d taken over, all of them red faced and far too loud. Cersei had looked distinctly unamused by the whole affair, but as she caught sight of Loras a vindictive gleam came into her eyes.

“Looking for Renly?” she asked before he could open his mouth, and Loras didn’t like the tone of her voice at all. “He’s by the bar.” Loras nodded in acknowledgment, and followed the direction of her vague hand gesture across the room , uncomfortable with the whole situation and already regretting his decision to come.

Then he caught sight of Renly, and his whole world froze.

Right in front of him was his boyfriend of _over a year_ , pressing a dark –haired girl against the bar stool, their lips locked in an almost desperate looking embrace. Her hands were wound tightly into his hair, and one of his arms was wrapped tightly around her waist.

The emotions flooding through Loras’ body were completely alien to him. He felt like he’d been gutted, like someone had ripped into his chest and squashed his heart between their fingers. As Loras watched, Renly’s other hand slid smoothly up the girl’s leg and under her skirt, and a wave of nausea passed over him so suddenly that he really thought he was going to throw up right there and then.

Loras would have liked to have thought that he’d stormed over, demanded to know what the _fuck_ Renly thought he was doing kissing someone else, _touching_ someone else, and a _girl_ at that – but he didn’t. In fact, all that came out of his mouth was a very quiet, timid sounding, “Renly?”

Renly jumped away from the girl as if he’d been shot at the sound of Loras’ voice, his head turning wildly with a look of growing horror on his face. He was clearly completely out of it, his pupils blown, stumbling as he reached out a hand toward Loras. The same hand that had moments ago been up someone else’s skirt, _a girl’s skirt_ , and Loras really thought he might be sick. He turned abruptly and stalked out of the pub without a backwards glance, ignoring Renly’s voice calling desperately after him. The pain in his chest cut so deeply that it hurt to move, but he kept walking, his ears ringing, his mind blank.

It was only when he reached his apartment that he realised that yes, he really was about to throw up. There was no sleep that night.

*

Loras had purposefully avoided going to training after work for the past two Mondays, specifically to avoid a confrontation with Jaime Lannister. Despite the rivalry slash friendship that had formed between the two of them since he got together with Brienne, Loras was very aware that Jaime had known Renly far longer than he had and wouldn’t be able to resist sticking his nose in where he wasn’t wanted. Plus, he really wasn’t very good at subtlety.

Sure enough, when Loras entered the sports hall with his fencing gear and foil, the first thing Jaime said was, “you look like shit.”

And okay, Loras probably did look like shit, because forgive him for not caring about personal grooming after catching his boyfriend cheating on him, but he didn’t need that pointed out by Jaime bloody Lannister. “Fuck off, Jaime,” he said wearily, starting his warm up laps.

“You know who else looks like shit?” Jaime asked, catching up to him and jogging alongside.

“I really don’t want to talk about this with you.” Loras didn’t want to talk about it at all, especially not to Cersei Lannister’s twin, however strained their current relationship was.

“Yes, I got that when you stopped coming to training for two weeks,” Jaime said wryly. “I’d decided that if you didn’t turn up today I’d have gone to your office tomorrow. I’m rather glad you’re here, it saves me the effort.”

Loras really wasn’t in the mood for Jaime’s sense of humour, but he couldn’t be bothered to press the issue, so sighed, and asked, “and why is that?”

“Robert Baratheon is a bastard,” Jaime said promptly. “And Renly is an idiot who puts far too much stock in what his dearest brother thinks of him. I’m not excusing him, and he’s certainly not excusing himself, but I do think you should let him talk to you.”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant,” Loras said sullenly. “I already know Robert’s a despicable person, and there’s no way _he_ could possibly excuse himself. I don’t care anyway.”

“Let’s try and not lie from now on, shall we?” Jaime said in his annoyingly dry voice.

“What do you want me to say, Jaime?” Loras snapped. “He cheated on me. I’m not going back to someone like that.”

“Yes, but you _know_ Renly. You know he’s not _like that_ ,” Jaime pressed. “Plus, they were only kissing-”

“Only because I caught them!” Loras stopped running, glaring at Jaime. “Who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t –” he broke off, swallowing heavily. Jaime was staring at him, and he hated the pity in his eyes.

“What would you do?” Loras asked quietly, “if it was Brienne.”

“Brienne would never,” Jaime said immediately.

Loras snorted. “Well, two weeks ago, I would have said the same of Renly.”

He took off again, and Jaime followed behind this time, sensing that for Loras at least, the conversation was over. He didn’t mention Renly again for the rest of the session, and for that Loras was grateful, but he still had that damn pitying look in his eyes.

*

When someone knocked on the door to Loras’ office the next day, he fully expected it to be Jaime again. He opened the door, however, to find none other than Renly standing there, fiddling with the sleeves of his hoody.

He almost slammed the door on instinct, but one look at his boyfriend – ex-boyfriend, he reminded himself, and how that still hurt – made him hesitate. Jaime hadn’t been lying when he said Renly looked like shit. His hair was unwashed, he clearly hadn’t bothered shaving in a while, and the bags under his eyes made Loras suspect that Renly was getting as little sleep as he was. _Good_ , the voice at the back of his head said, rather bitterly.

When Renly realised that he wasn’t going to get a door slammed in his face, his shoulders visibly sagged with relief. “I know it’s your lunch break,” he said, and even his voice sounded rougher than usual. “Please, can we talk? We can go anywhere you want, I’ll buy.”

Loras probably should have just shut the door, but instead he nodded jerkily, striding down the corridor without a word, Renly hurrying behind. It was odd, jarring, to see Renly this meek and quiet when he was normally so confident about everything he did. Loras kept his eyes steadily ahead, because even with the unwashed hair and stubble Renly was still beautiful, and looking at him and remembering was physically painful.

Loras led them to his usual coffee shop and sat straight down while Renly ordered them drinks. He bought Loras a Chai Latte with extra cinnamon, which he knew was Loras’ favourite, and sat down opposite him, his hands visibly shaking. Refusing to be the first one to speak, Loras raised his eyebrows in a way he knew most people found intimidating, working to keep his expression void of emotion. Renly seemed to shrink under his gaze, swallowed heavily, running his hands through his hair; something Loras knew was a nervous habit of his.

“I know you said you didn’t want me to apologise,” Renly said, his voice quiet and strained, “but I need to, Loras. I’m so _so_ sorry. I feel like the worst person in the world, and I’ve never regretted anything this much in my whole life. You were right, I should never have gone in the first place.”

Loras nodded jerkily, his eyes trained on Renly’s face, who couldn’t seem to look him in the eye. Misery was radiating off Renly in bounds, and though part of him wanted to just acknowledge the apology and leave, he needed to stay and understand.

“I just – I just need to know _why_ ,” Loras said, his voice cracking slightly. “If you regret it so much, why did you do it in the first place?” This was physically painful. Being here, sitting so close to Renly, was making Loras feel things he didn’t want to feel. But the image of the dark-haired girl was permanently etched into his mind, springing to the surface whenever he thought about how miserable Renly looked, about how much he missed him.

Renly took a shaky breath, his hand returning to his hair, now in even more disarray than it was before. “I don’t even know what happened,” he said, his eyes wide and pleading. “When I got there, I was so angry at you. I don’t even know why, I think it was because I knew you were right, I shouldn’t have gone, not when I knew how Robert feels about you. But I was just so mad, and so I drank a lot, more than I should have, and –” he broke off, his voice catching.

“And?” Loras pressed, making his voice cold, even as his stomach coiled, tight and hot. He needed Renly to say it.

“I think Robert put her up to it,” Renly said quietly. “She was – she was all over me from the get go, and obviously I was pushing here away, but the more I drank, I just –” he swallowed, covering his face with his hands. “I _hate_ how Robert looks at me now, like I’m – like I’m some kind of degenerate. He’s the only member of my family left that still gives a shit about me, and – and he kept buying me drinks, and I was _so_ out of it by that point, and then she dragged me over to the bar – I didn’t even know her name, Loras! And then she kissed me, and all I could think of was Robert’s face, and I don’t even know why I kissed her back, I don’t know _what_ I was thinking, I – it was never have gone further than that, I swear it, and I’m so sorry, I’m – I’m disgusted with myself.”

He certainly looked it. Loras had never seen him look like this before, and however angry he was at Renly, he hated seeing him so miserable. Tendrils of guilt were starting to form in his stomach with the knowledge that it was him making Renly so miserable, and that just _wasn’t fair_. So he pushed aside the part of him that wanted to lean over and comfort Renly, and said tightly, “well, it certainly looked like it was about to go further from where I was standing.”

Renly flinched, looking hurt, which he was absolutely _no right_ to be. “I would never,” he said firmly, “I – I don’t even _like_ girls, Loras, you know that-”

“I thought I knew that,” Loras snapped back, “but the Renly I knew would never hurt me, so maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought I did.”

Renly looked heartbroken at that, and Loras had to close his eyes, rubbing his temple wearily. This was awful. He needed to leave, before he did something stupid like take Renly back. It was obvious that Renly regretted his actions, and okay, Loras didn’t know what it was like to have a brother like Robert, his family had always been supportive of him, and it must be horrible for your own blood to think there was something wrong with you. But that didn’t change the fact that Loras had trusted Renly, and Renly broke that trust.

It was getting harder and harder to remember that when Renly was looking so miserable though.

“Please, Loras,” Renly said, his hand jerking slightly, as if he’d considered reaching for Loras’ hand but thought better of it. “Please forgive me. I – I know it’ll take time, but I don’t want to lose you, I _can’t_ lose you. I – I love you, I love you so much, and I’m so _so_ sorry that I hurt you.”

Loras’ throat and chest felt so tight that he thought he might burst, and of course he still loved Renly too, you don’t just fall out of love with someone because they hurt you – but he couldn’t do this. Not today, anyway.

“It’s not about forgiveness, Renly,” he said, his voice shaking. “I could forgive you, but I wouldn’t be able to trust you, I don’t think you can have a relationship where there’s no trust.”

Renly shut his eyes tightly, and with a shaky breath Loras pushed himself to his feet, because if he didn’t leave soon he was going to do something ridiculous like cry.

“Thank you for your explanation,” he said, running his own hands through his hair and trying to ignore the desolate look in Renly’s eyes. “But please don’t contact me again.”

He left the café, part of him wondering if he’d just made a huge mistake.

*

The week passed in a bit of a blur. Loras went to work, went to training, but he felt as if he was going through the motions, not really present. He could tell that his co-workers were worried about him. Brienne hadn’t outright said anything, but he could feel her eyes on him whenever they were in the same room together, could feel her concern radiating off her in waves. He was glad she hadn’t approached him though, because however well they got on now, she was Renly’s friend first, and he knew what her advice would be.

It was only now that he realised how embedded Renly had been in his life. They had the same friends, went to the same places. Everywhere he looked were reminders of him. Loras had met Renly not long after moving to Kings, so there wasn’t really anywhere that he didn’t associate with him. Part of Loras wanted to take some time off work and go back home for a while, but he wasn’t sure how much that would actually help. He hadn’t told his family about what had happened with Renly yet – which was unlike him, because he usually told Margaery everything. Part of him wondered if it was because he knew that his family were as proud as he was, and had unforgiving attitudes towards betrayal. If he told them it would be confirming that Renly was no longer a part of his life. He wondered what it said about him that he was unwilling to admit that.

He _missed_ Renly. He missed him so much it was almost tangible. He felt so lonely, coming home to his empty apartment every evening, cooking alone, sleeping alone. He and Renly usually split their evenings pretty much 50:50 between Loras’ apartment and Renly’s house, but he was only now realising how much time they actually spent together. They may as well have been living together, or at least, that’s what it felt like now he didn’t have it anymore. Loras wondered if his life would have been this lonely if he’d never met Renly, and shuddered at the thought.

And the thing was, he _knew_ Renly regretted it. Anyone could have seen that, even if he hadn’t said so. And Loras didn’t think Renly had lied to him at the café, he believed everything that had been said. Renly was _sorry_. That was the important thing, surely?

It was after training the following Monday that Loras ended up blurting all of this out, to Jaime Lannister of all people. He wasn’t sure when exactly Jaime had become his confidante, it wasn’t as if they’d been prone to deep meaningful conversations prior to this point – but to his surprise, Jaime took it all in his stride, listening far more patiently than Loras had expected.

“You want to know what your problem is?” Jaime said when Loras had run out of breath. They were stood side by side outside the sports hall, and Loras was glad Jaime hadn’t attempted to put an arm round him or anything, that would make this surreal situation even more bizarre. “And I’m allowed to say this, because I’m exactly the same. You’re too proud, and you’re too stubborn.” Loras made a noise of protest, although he knew it was true. Jaime completely ignored him. “And you’re letting your pride dictate your actions. You’re making yourself bloody miserable.”

“I know,” Loras said wearily, and he felt like it was a big step to admit that.

“I thought about what you said.” Jaime looked Loras in the eye, his voice unusually serious. “About Brienne. About what I’d do. And while I think it’s entirely situational, if what happened to you happened to me, it would all depend on how sorry she was, and whether I thought she’d do it again.”

And that was it, really, because the fact of the matter was that Loras didn’t think Renly would do it again. He didn’t know how long it would take to build up the trust he’d had in him before, but after seeing how he’d looked in the café, Loras didn’t think Renly would put himself through that again.

Loras closed his eyes, and sighed wearily. “I really don’t know what to do.”

“Come to the pub with us tonight,” Jaime said. It was tradition for the fencing guys to meet at the pub – not _that_ pub, thankfully - on a Monday for a post-training pint, but Loras hadn’t felt like going these past few weeks. At Loras’ look, Jaime chuckled, “come on! It’ll be good for you to actually leave the house, socialise a bit. Plus, if you don’t, you’ll just in end home alone with too many thoughts in your head.”

That was certainly, true, so with a heaving sigh, Loras agreed.

*

It was only when he approached the group at the bar later that evening, and saw Renly stood by Brienne, that he realised he’d been set up. Renly was looking at him, his expression both wary and intent, but Loras didn’t meet his eyes, instead storming over to the head of blonde hair currently talking to Theon Greyjoy.

“Jaime Lannister, you complete _bastard_ ,” he snarled, ignoring Theon completely, who was chuckling. Jaime merely raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not denying it,” he said dryly, before lowering his voice so Theon couldn’t hear. “Go and sort your shit out. You’ll thank me for this eventually.”

Loras glared at Jaime, before making his way over to where Jon and Robb were sitting, determined to studiously ignore Renly’s presence until it was an acceptable time to leave.

That was easier said than done, however. Loras wasn’t drinking, and he noticed that Renly wasn’t either, despite the fact that Brienne and Jaime – who’d now returned to the duo and was no doubt talking about him – both had pints in their hands. Renly kept glancing over, but every time he caught Loras’ eye he looked down quickly. He didn’t look like he was enjoying himself. Loras was suddenly overcome with a tidal wave of sadness. He should be over there, Renly’s arm around him as Jaime’s was around Brienne. He should be over there laughing, not sitting here feeling miserable while Renly was over there, feeling miserable. He hated this. He _hated_ this, and his throat was closing up, and he was starting to feel overwhelmed, and he knew he had to leave.

Muttering a goodbye to a bemused Jon and Robb, he left the table quickly and strode towards the back entrance of the pub, careful not to look in Renly’s direction. The night’s air had barely hit his face before he collapsed against the wall of the pub, sliding to the floor and leaning against it heavily. His breath was coming in ragged bursts, and to his horror, he began to cry.

Loras couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried, not like this, heaving big, ugly sobs, covering his face with shaking hands. He didn’t know what was happening, but his stomach was tight, and he missed Renly, he _wanted_ Renly, _why_ had he agreed to come tonight –

“Loras, are you-” His sobs were interrupted by the sound of the back door opening, and that all-too familiar voice, halting mid-sentence as Loras tried to get his breathing under control. “ _Loras?_ ”

Loras couldn’t bring himself to look at Renly; he was sure he made a pathetic sight, crumpled and crying alone against a wall, and he wiped at his face furiously, trying to remove all evidence of tears despite knowing that they’d already been seen, that his breath was still hitching unevenly. He was surprised, therefore, when a hand touched his shoulder, tentative at first, before clasping it tightly, Renly’s other arm finding his hand and pulling him to his feet.

“Oh, Loras,” Renly’s voice sounded so sad that Loras couldn’t help it, he leaned into Renly’s chest, clutching his shirt tightly between his fingers and burying his face in the crook of Renly’s neck. Renly’s arms wrapped around Loras, holding him tightly, and Loras felt such an overwhelming sense of _home_ , of rightness, of being back where he belonged.

They stayed like that, standing so close it must have looked like they were moulded together, until Loras’ breathing returned to normal and his eyes had stopped stinging with the threat of tears. When Loras raised his head to meet Renly’s eyes, he’d ever seen an expression of such tremendous guilt before. If Renly had looked miserable in the bar, it was nothing to how he looked now, dropping his arms as soon as Loras moved as if he wasn’t sure whether or not he was about to be shouted at for touching. He brushed tentatively across Loras’ cheek, wiping away a stray tear and releasing a strand of hair that had been stuck down by the wetness. And Loras was struck by the sudden knowledge that this situation was potentially worse for Renly that it was for him. Sure, he was the one who’d been hurt, but it was Renly that had to live with the knowledge that this was _his_ fault, that _he_ was the reason Loras was feeling like this. The thought almost brought tears to his eyes again, but he managed to hold them in, taking a shaky breath and stepping out of the warm comfort of Renly’s embrace.

“I’m taking you home,” Renly said, and his voice sounded off, too low and rough. “To your place, I mean,” he added hastily, before placing a hand gently on the small of Loras’ back and leading him away from the pub. “Come on, get in the taxi.”

Loras was silent for the entire journey, his head swimming with thoughts, flying at him from every direction. Renly sat closer to him than was strictly necessary, his hands in his own lap, but looking very much like he wanted to be touching Loras, if only to reassure him. Renly paid, and then led Loras to his apartment door, unlocking it himself – he still had a spare key – and sitting him down on the sofa. He stayed quiet, wanting Renly to be the one to break the heavy yet somehow comfortable silence that had formed between them.

“Do you want a cup of tea?” Renly finally asked, and when Loras shook his head, he sat down next to him on the sofa, angling his body so that he was practically facing him.

“I hate this,” Loras said quietly, and he was surprised at the sound of his own voice, raw and cracking. His eyes felt tired and puffy, and he knew he probably looked a complete mess.

“I hate this too.” Renly’s voice sounded shredded. Loras rested his head heavily against Renly’s shoulder, and felt an arm wrap around his back, holding him there almost desperately. “Seeing you like this makes me hate myself.”

Loras turned his face into Renly’s neck, taking in the feeling of being close to him again. “Don’t hate yourself,” he mumbled. “I don’t want you to hate yourself.” Renly laughed bitterly, and Loras opened his mouth, not quite sure what was going to come out.

“I don’t want to come between you and Robert.”

Renly blinked. Loras blinked too, because that hadn’t been what he’d intended to say, he hadn’t been aware that he’d even been thinking about Robert. But now he’d said it, it made complete sense.

“I don’t want to be the one to make you choose,” he said, lifting his head up so he could talk to Renly properly, although he was glad when Renly’s arm stayed wrapped around him. “You were completely right before, I don’t know what it’s like to have someone like him as a family member. And I hate him, Renly, I really do. But I don’t want to be the person that forces you stop seeing him, and if you want to make Robert happy, then-”

“No, Loras, stop,” Renly interrupted. He was looking at Loras with something that looked a lot like wonder in his eyes. “I think you’re misunderstanding. I’ve – I’ve already made that decision. I made it as soon as I saw your face at the bar, when you – when you walked away. I haven’t spoken to Robert since that night, and I don’t plan to for a very long time. I realised how – how ridiculous I was being, constantly trying to impress somebody who couldn’t accept me for being me. Regardless of what – what happens with us, that decision has already been made.”

Loras stared at Renly, and felt the corner of his mouth turn up in a small smile. “I don’t think you were being ridiculous, Renly. Of course you wanted to impress your brother. I’m – I’m happy for you, though. You’re better off without him.” He reached for Renly’s hands, clasping them tightly between his own, and Renly looked at Loras sharply, his face revealing his shock.

“What are – what are you saying?” The tremor in his voice betrayed how scared he was, and Loras thought back to the café, to how sorry and regretful Renly was, and made his decision.

“I’m saying that I miss you,” he said. “I’m saying that I love you, and I know that you regret it, and – and that it’ll take time, but I want to try.”

The words had barely left his mouth before Renly’s arms were around his neck, hugging him tightly as he buried his face in Loras’ shoulder. Loras wrapped his arms around Renly, pressing him tightly against him, and hid his smile in Renly’s hair. His body sagged with the sense of overwhelming relief that threatened to engulf him, and he knew he’d made the right decision. Renly’s body started shaking, and Loras realised with a start that Renly was crying.

“Ren,” Renly lifted his head, and Loras wiped his tears away with both of his thumbs. He’d never seen Renly cry before, not after that last argument with Stannis, not when he’d realised that Robert wasn’t okay with his sexuality, not even when he first told Loras that his parents were dead. But he was crying now. For him.

“God, we’re both messes, aren’t we?” Renly said shakily, but he was smiling, beaming rather, and at the sight of it warmth pooled throughout Loras’ chest, spreading throughout his body, right down to his toes.

“I really really am sorry,” Renly said, his hands moving up and down Loras’ arms, unable to stop touching. “This is all my fault, and I know it’ll take time. I’ll take you on a date, okay, out for dinner? And it can be like a first date, we’ll start again. God, I love you so much.”

Loras laughed, and the smile that spread across Renly’s face at the sound of it made him want to never stop. “Bit forward for a first date. But I love you too.” He leaned forwards and kissed Renly chastely. Renly’s fingers found his own, holding them tightly, and part of Loras wanted to deepen the kiss, to straddle Renly there and then on the sofa, or to drag him into his bedroom and get fucked through the sheets – but he knew that wasn’t a good idea. It was too soon, his wounds were still raw. He knew now that they’d heal with time, though. Renly broke the kiss, and Loras could feel him smiling against his lips.

“Stay with me tonight?” Loras asked. “Please? Just – just to sleep. It’s been awful, sleeping without you.”

“Of course, anything,” Renly answered immediately. He pulled Loras to his feet, seemingly unable to stop smiling, his eyes dancing with happiness. “And I know, it has. Let’s never do it again.”

Loras laughed, and later, when they were both stripped down to their underwear and safely under the covers, with Renly’s arms wrapped tightly around him, pressing a kiss to Loras’ shoulder and burying his face in Loras’ hair, he was filled with an overwhelming sense of contentment. Things weren’t okay, not yet, but Loras believed now that they would be.

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for: infidelity (brief Renly/OFC), angst, homophobic attitudes


End file.
